Power in vulnerability that faith has given after an unhealthy relationship
Lifestyle blogger, TishaJayy discusses the power in vulnerability that faith has given after an unhealthy relationship.
This weeks guest post is by guest lifestyle blogger TishaJayy and founder of #Itshermelanin. #Itshermelanin is a movement that aims to promote the positive mental health of women of colour through positive representations. TishaJayy opens up about the vulnerability that faith has given after an unhealthy relationship. TishaJayy shares “the journey of becoming serious about her relationship with God”. This stemmed from a toxic relationship that brought vulnerability but also a power that she did not know she had.
Black, female and Christian?
Maya Angelou (If you don’t know Google her) famously said,
“a woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just to find her”.
My baptism was on Sunday 13th March 2016. Something that I thought I would never do. In the past I thought that the bible and Christianity had no place for women; especially those who are of colour. You know what I am talking about. We get told that Christianity is the white man’s religion. That women in the bible were oppressed and that the bible was given to our ancestors as a tool of control. At the same time I was not very vocal about these opinions instead I would hide them. I’d say “yeah I believe in God but church and the bible are not for me” and not much else. So, when I was standing in front of a church full of family, friends and strangers, that are now great friends, you can imagine the change I had been through.
When I talk about change I don’t mean I had a moment where I heard the booming voice of God. I mean I was in an unhealthy relationship that left me so vulnerable. The only way, after tying self-destructing behaviors, I could go was to God. Even though I knew this… I didn’t go straight away, I started to think things would get better in the relationship and my exploration of Christianity even deeper at the same time. The further I got into Christianity the more I started to realize the relationship was REALLY unhealthy. Not because of any rules in the bible but because of what I was starting to learn about Agape love. I was loosing who I was to the point where I was happily ‘letting things slide’ that nobody in his or her right mind would entertain.
Still I didn’t leave; I was in the world’s version of love. It had me thinking that he only commented on the clothes I wore because he was protective. He didn’t like that I spent a lot of time with family because he wanted to spend more time with me and until he ended things, I realized how much more messed up things were going on. Single and alone I tried to fill the void that he had left with numerous equally toxic things. Until one day getting sick of the path I was on and I started to journal to God. I’m not going to lie I was angry at God for letting me get this low and didn’t understand what type of God would allow anyone to feel the way that I felt.
The power in vulnerability that faith has given after an unhealthy relationship
The more I wrote in my journal and the more vulnerable I became before God the more power I started to have. I slowly started to want to be around people who also believed in God but that meant I had to go to church. This was another part of being vulnerable, which to be honest still have. I didn’t like the people at church I had the view that they would just judge me. That was until I actually got up and went to church. I started to meet some powerful women of colour of all ages. I now have different conversations with my grandmother who is a woman of God and take the next step (baptism). God has literally changed this melanin rich woman’s my mind and soul.
Related: Nicole V. Andrew – “Living with a man and unmarried; am I still a Christian?”
Even though more than a year later in my walk with Christ I still struggle and I still get enticed into some old ways, I still carry on building my relationship with God. Seeing the power in vulnerability led me to release my collection of poetry in the form of a book. This is a catharsis of my life and of the incredible lives of women I have met so far. Through the book, my blog and Instagram I have been given the opportunity to reach people across the world that are struggling. The mess of an unhealthy relationship I was in led me to blessings and the unlocking of a passion for God and the positive mental health of women of colour through representation that I didn’t even know I had.
Like I said before, I still struggle and I am nowhere near perfect but God. I would love for you to comment below. Give me your thoughts on how the vulnerability that faith has given after an unhealthy relationship, or even testimonies on how you came to know the love of God.
Peace and love TishaJayy xxx
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Previous guest posts:
Nicole V. Andrew – “Living with a man and unmarried; am I still a Christian?”
Saabirah Lawrence – 4 Key Things I Have Learnt From Attending Events [guest post]